why is it so hard to leave?

[angel212]

just on the web looking for what makes it so hard to move on. I left a few times then came back. 8 years of this now.

its very difficult to make that move then not go back. even after all the abuse, bad words and games - "i'm going to kill myself" -why should I care? its a struggle - I wish there was an easy answer

what I want to know (need to know) is why is it though.. why do we put up with it every day?

[Kevin]

The answers are on the Internet in general and include financial reasons, fear, loss of self esteem, wanting to keep the family together. These you must know and you have your own reasons if one or more of these don't fit.

There may be another element to it.. that is the big question as to why some women fall for this type of guy often over and over again. A lot of these men were "damaged goods" from an early age (as the result of some dysfunction in their upbringing - such as abuse) and it's as if there is a child inside that man that some women almost seem to want to rescue. My futher thinking is that there is a degree of negative narcissism which developed in the man (a tantrum, all about "me me me"), a "coping style" or survival, fear etc. that draws on a mirroring personality type - a codependent or borderline or schizoidal. Don't know the exact answer but there are books on the subject.

[angel212]

I am just realizing some other things I never noticed until this morning.
Each time I got a new phone my other half got a new phone - the exact same as me. A few times my phone would go missing and it turned up in the evening "sorry, i thought that was my phone" - he'd taken it to work with him again. which means also then he had access to my txts since he also has my pin. I want to believe I made a guff but I know in my mind he read my mails also because 1 I left unread.
I feel really ... angry and violated. I don't believe this story about the phone being an accident. when I asked him about it he flew into a rage.
Then I think some more and noticed he went to my car so-say to look for something.. I'm kinda sure he was taking the mileage but he never said a word.

[Kevin]

I knew of one that would do this to his son. He would read all his text messages and emails as well as delete certain emails from the boy's mother.


The interesting thing is that when the phone would go missing the son always denied his father would take it by mistake. He didn't want to believe his father would do it.

Father also played the game of quid pro quo - "you tell me something - I'll tell you something".

The QPQ game is a game of "information trading" in a setting a bit like a confessional.

In this case the questioner (father or son) asks a question that may be inappropriate in a different setting. Both anticipate a truthful answer.

The child will provide an honest answer due to the "perceived safety" - because of the confession of the father when he answers the question put to him by the child.

The child plays by the rules, in the same way they the child denies the father deliberately took the phone, the child does not anticipate being duped by his father by being provided with a false answer.

The father exploits the child by providing answers satisfying the child's curiosity but ultimately manipulates the child's thinking further. e.g. against is mother or something else.

[sam]

hmmm. denial is a powerful defence...
but an intrusive parent...
I want to know what damage can be caused long term and what treatment is there.

[angel212]

It causes me worry. He is also very intelligent and graduated with a degree in psychology. I dont even know if he was aware that some of the things he did or said during our relationship were pretty mean. For sure these things made me feel bad and I spent a few hours each day wondering why he would say hurtful things. I wanted to believe it was his way of being funny. I always thought he didn't mean it - at least I wanted to think that.
I read about people feeling as though they were treading on egg shells and I was for sure. I even started to stutter sometimes as I wasn't sure if he was going to launch into some lecture if I asked him a simple question. It always felt like it was me that had the problem not him and not him. he told me I was oversensitive, we always made up but it got oh so much worse as time went on. I cant continue right now but want to discuss this more. I cant right now.
a.